Q - My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A - Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q - My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A - Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q - My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A - This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q - My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A - Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q - My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A - You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q - My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A - I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…
it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 — It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied’

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 — A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened h is trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 — A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 — The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said. The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 — A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 — A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk , ‘May I have 50 Christmas stamps?’ The clerk says, ‘What denomination?’ The blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? OK, Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

He never heard the shot….

Ski Resorts within an hour of an airport:

Aspen/Pitkin County Airport, Colo., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 10 minutes at Buttermilk. Aspen Highlands, Ajax and Snowmass are within a half-hour’s drive of the airport.

Burlington International Airport, Vt., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 30 minutes at Bolton Valley. Sugarbush, Stowe and Smugglers Notch are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

Reno-Tahoe International Airport, Nev., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 30 minutes at Mount Rose. Northstar, Squaw Valley and Alpine Meadows are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, Wash., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift at the Summit At Snoqualmie, Alpental, in 55 minutes. Stevens Pass and Crystal Mountain are within 55 minutes of the airport.

Salt Lake City International Airport, Utah, from which the magazine says you can be on the lift at Snowbird in 45 minutes. Brighton, Solitude, Park City and The Canyons are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

From Future Snowboarding Magazine.

 Business advice from Marvin Bower, McKinsey’s chief architect.

1. Put the client’s interests first and separate yourself from the job.
2. Be consistent yet open-minded.
3. Center problem solving on the facts and on the front line.
4. View problems and decisions in the context of the whole and in terms of the immediate actions to be taken.
5. Inspire and require people to be their best.
6. Communicate the values of the company over and over again to ensure that people in the firm will understand them, embrace them, and translate them into action.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning … uphill BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yada…

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that…I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet.

If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’s usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids”.

Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!

And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire … imagine that!

If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

This week there were 3 significant technological developments. The first was the disconnection of most analog cellular signals. Basically the original cell phone has died. AT&T and Verizon, the big, and essentially only, two in the mobile game turned theirs off. Number 3, Sprint, never had an analog network.

The second comes from Japan. Toshiba has announced the end of the HD DVD and declared Sony’s Blu-Ray the winner. Hopefully this will allow Sony to stop focusing on the competition with Toshiba and start advancing the format.

The third is back in the mobile arena. AT&T, Verizon, and T-mobile, have announced unlimited minute plans for roughly $100. Sprint is expected to join the party, but some beleive their plan will be between $60-75 dollars. Hopefully this turns into a larger developement than I’m giving it credit for.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this as a ’short’ story for his alumni newsletter.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directio ns said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it dumbass,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, stupid, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#… That hurt l ike **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Tomorrow I head to Atlanta for the world’s largest cheerleading competition, CheerSport. It should be fun.

Lent started a few days ago and I decided I would give up alcohol. I did it a few years ago and it wasn’t too bad. The most amusing reactions come from friends that are used to ordering a round when we go out to eat, but now I have to remind them I’m sitting out. One of them half jokingly said next time I need to consult them before making a major decision like that. There a few events during lent that would normally be a party, but will be low key this year; trips to Atlanta, Vancouver, and Orlando, plus St. Patrick’s Day.

During Lent we’ll probably have a lot of Fish and Chip Friday lunches so I’ll be ranking them as we try out different restaurants. Sine on Pentagon City Row was first so its obviously in the lead. Their plate had 2 large pieces of fish, fries, and coleslaw, all of which was pretty good. I’ll write more once we try out some more places so I have something to compare it to.

Luke got his groove back today. I got mine back about 2 months ago. I’ll just say life is better this way.