9 Words (or Phrase) women use, especially when talking to men:

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five Minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

(8) Cool Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying… you know. The one that starts with ‘f’ and ends with ‘u’!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

The Post Office just released a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris. Unfortuneately its not selling well because only 3% of men know how to lick it.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They’re hiring.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

Why is a thong and a barbwire fence so much alike?
They both protect the property without blocking the view.

I’ve been asked about Apple’s iPhone many times over the past few months and have decided to share portions of these conversations with you. The most popular question is people asking me “Are you going to buy the iPhone?”, to which I reply “no”. As much as I like Apple, plan on switching to an Apple MacBook next Spring, and have faith in their talented engineers, I would not buy a first generation phone from anyone. There are companies that have been making phones for a long time, Nokia & Motorola come to mind, that still don’t have it perfect. And lets not get started on the issues with Windows Mobile 5. Why would I take a $600, two year chance with someone’s first attempt?

When people ask for more detail on why I won’t get one I point to a few reasons. First, the iPhone doesn’t work on AT&T 3G network, meaning internet speeds will be slow. I know AT&T upgraded the network prior to the iPhone’s release, but I don’t expect to see any gain from that once a million iPhones start abusing the network. In addition, the storage space is too small. I have a 60GB iPod which is hard to replace with a 8GB device. Next, I have a phone (with 3G connectivity, wi-fi, and Outlook synchronization) and an iPod, so the timing of a convergence device isn’t good for me. When I look to replace my iPod I’ll take a good look at the iPhone. (I say iPod because I go through phones pretty quickly and will probably replace a few phones before I replace my iPod). I also expect a new iPhone to be announced in January at MacWorld. Some say it will be out before Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving, which is the busiest shopping day of the year), which seems a little soon to me, but I am expecting a full screen video iPod out by then. And finally, did I mention I wouldn’t buy a first phone from anyone.

The iPhone will benefit almost all mobile phone users in some way. In addition to AT&T’s network upgrade, which instantly puts pressure on competitors to upgrade their networks, AT&T had to make modifications to allow the visual voicemail feature, meaning it will be available on more phones. The iPhone also sets a soft cap of $600 for phones because competitors need a reason to charge more that the iPhone costs for a phone that isn’t as useful or cool. Finally, it will make competitors step up the features of their phones in order to compete. Competition benefits the consumer and Apple just woke up the competition with a resounding slap in the face.

Last week I became a fan of Google Maps on my mobile and Monday I became a big fan. I started working at a new client’s office in an area of DC I have never been, so last week I punched the address in Google Maps. It pulled up the map, as expected, but more importantly it displayed the Metro station near the address, which is what I was trying to determine in the first place. Today as I was sitting in the new office, which is very close to the under construction stadium for the Washington Nationals, I pulled up the map again hoping to find the address to a restaurant I was told was near. When I looked at the application I noticed it allowed me to search for businesses near an address. It still had the business address saved from last week so all I had to do was type restaurants and it listed about 8 that were near me.

Later in the week I needed to make reservations for our Brotherhood dinner at the Caucus Room on Saturday, so I started Google Maps and searched for the Caucus Room. It gave me the address and phone number, which was expected, but it also displayed the name Caucus Room when I called; something normally reserved for numbers in my phone book.

I’m writing this because as I drafted another post I realized not many people are knowledgeable about mobile phone technology and a quick Mobile Phone 101 class may be helpful to many. In the United States there are 4 major mobile phone operators (listed in order of number of subscribers); AT&T, Verizon Wireless, Sprint, and T-Mobile. AT&T, which I have recently seen called AT&T Mobility and/or AT&T Wireless, is the former Cingular, and is fully owned by American phone giant AT&T. Verizon Wireless is a joint venture between 55% owner Verizon Communications and 45% partner Vodafone; Vodafone being the English company which is the largest mobile operator in the World. Sprint and Nextel are owned by Sprint and T-Mobile is owned by German giant Deutsche Telecom. The large companies also typically have smaller companies, subsidiaries, and joint ventures operating using their name in different regions. There are also some virtual carriers such as Virgin Mobile, Qwest, Boost Mobile, and Amp’d that sell service, but don’t operate their own network in favor of renting space from one of the big 4, and there many other small carriers such as Dobson (which operates as Cellular One) and Alltel.

In America there are also 2 major mobile phone technologies; CDMA and GSM. CDMA stands for Code Division Multiple Access and is used by major players Verizon Wireless and Sprint, but not Nextel, as well as some smaller carries such as Alltel, US Cellular, and Cellular South. Many believe CDMA is the best mobile phone technology currently available, hence the Verizon commercials about their network. GSM stands for Global System for Mobile Communications and is used by big boys AT&T and T-Mobile in America, and smaller carries such as Dobson Communication, which was recently purchased by AT&T. GSM is the dominate worldwide technology controlling about 80% of the market, and is used by Vodafone in each of their markets outside of the United States. The differences in technology are a large part of the reason you cannot keep your AT&T phone when switching to Verizon. The remainder is due to company greed even though the companies will blame it on network compatibility.

In my opinion the only 2 national carriers worth considering are AT&T and Verizon for people who travel out of their home area frequently. Verizon is widely considered to have the best network in America, but limited coverage outside of the States. AT&T is best if you travel outside of America often because their network is based on the same technology used in most of the modern World. Hopefully Sprint will fix the issue they are having and complete the integration with Nextel and become a recommendable third option soon. T-Mobile has stated they are expanding their American network so maybe they will make it a 4 horse race. To me the other carriers are either going to remain regional carriers targeting limited travelers, be purchased by the big 4 as Dobson recently has, or combine with each other to become a fifth national power.

People seem to love predictions so I’m going to make a few business predictions I can see happening in the next year or so. First is the one that gave me the idea of writing this post; Google buying Adobe. Imagine 2 of our favorite Silicon Valley brands combining and giving us on- and off-line version of Dreamweaver & Photoshop powered Adobe AIR and supported by Google’s ever exanding super computer network. Granted this is possible without the 2 companies combining, but where’s the fun in that. A third, significantly less likely player in this combiniation would be Apple. Adobe & Google both seem to have extraodinary tight relationships with Apple. Google CEO Eric Schmidt is on Apple’s Board of Directors and Adobe is consistently the first to take advantage of the full power of Apple hardware. A hardware/software combination involving all 3 companies would instantly be THE force in the tech industry.

Next we move to banking. Once Bank of America completes its deal purchasing LaSalle Bank from ABN Amro, making it a major player in the Chicagoland area, it will no longer be able to make significant deposit purchases in America because it will be bumping up against the 10% limit. Bank of America will turn its vision overseas, starting with the previously rumored to soon be a Bank of America target, and new ABN Amro parent company, Barclays. Buying Barclays after Barclays purchases ABN Amro, the deal which made LaSalle available for purchase, will help Bank of America’s presence in Europe and South America. In addition Bank of America will push organic growth within the States in an attempt to truly become the first and only nationwide, coast to coast, in every major and mid sized city, bank, or in other words the Bank of America.

AT&T & Vodafone - How does AT&T continue to grow following combining the companies once know as PacWest, Ameritech, SBC, BellSouth, Cingular, AT&T Wireless, AT&T, and soon to be Dobson/Cellular One, among others? It buys the largest GSM carrier in the World, Vodafone. Vodafone has a market capitalization of about $160 billion, meaning it could be purchased for under $200 Billion. The great part of the deal is it would give AT&T control over the 45% of Verizon Wireless currently owned by Vodafone. The Feds would never let AT&T keep that portion, but in a pre-arranged deal with a private equity firm AT&T could sell the Verizon Wireless stake, currently valued at around $65 Billion, for $80 Billion or so, cutting the actual Vodafone purchase price to somewhere in the neighborhood of $120 Billion. Who would be interested in 45% of VZW? How about KKR and/or Blackstone who seem to be buing everything. Or the Goldman Sachs/Texas Pacific consortium which recently puchased fellow CDMA carrier Alltel for $27 Billion? This would give GS/TP more leverage in it attempt to get VZW to buy the CDMA assets, probably raising the price to over $115 Billion.

Here is a video of me Sky Diving on my 30th. I jumped over the North Shore of Hawaii.

I’m still figuring out the best format for putting videos on the site, so please bare with me as I tryout various settings.

Monsters anyone?

Welcome to the new, still under development, andrejcarter.com. I decided to redesign my site to give it a more professional feel. I don’t know when I’ll be done, but feel free to visit the Ajorel Network Forum and discuss the progress.