9 Words Women Use

9 Words (or Phrase) women use, especially when talking to men:

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five Minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

(8) Cool Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying… you know. The one that starts with ‘f’ and ends with ‘u’!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Something to Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They’re hiring.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

Why is a thong and a barbwire fence so much alike?
They both protect the property without blocking the view.

Apple iPhone

I’ve been asked about Apple’s iPhone many times over the past few months and have decided to share portions of these conversations with you. The most popular question is people asking me “Are you going to buy the iPhone?”, to which I reply “no”. As much as I like Apple, plan on switching to an Apple MacBook next Spring, and have faith in their talented engineers, I would not buy a first generation phone from anyone. There are companies that have been making phones for a long time, Nokia & Motorola come to mind, that still don’t have it perfect. And lets not get started on the issues with Windows Mobile 5. Why would I take a $600, two year chance with someone’s first attempt?

When people ask for more detail on why I won’t get one I point to a few reasons. First, the iPhone doesn’t work on AT&T 3G network, meaning internet speeds will be slow. I know AT&T upgraded the network prior to the iPhone’s release, but I don’t expect to see any gain from that once a million iPhones start abusing the network. In addition, the storage space is too small. I have a 60GB iPod which is hard to replace with a 8GB device. Next, I have a phone (with 3G connectivity, wi-fi, and Outlook synchronization) and an iPod, so the timing of a convergence device isn’t good for me. When I look to replace my iPod I’ll take a good look at the iPhone. (I say iPod because I go through phones pretty quickly and will probably replace a few phones before I replace my iPod). I also expect a new iPhone to be announced in January at MacWorld. Some say it will be out before Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving, which is the busiest shopping day of the year), which seems a little soon to me, but I am expecting a full screen video iPod out by then. And finally, did I mention I wouldn’t buy a first phone from anyone.

The iPhone will benefit almost all mobile phone users in some way. In addition to AT&T’s network upgrade, which instantly puts pressure on competitors to upgrade their networks, AT&T had to make modifications to allow the visual voicemail feature, meaning it will be available on more phones. The iPhone also sets a soft cap of $600 for phones because competitors need a reason to charge more that the iPhone costs for a phone that isn’t as useful or cool. Finally, it will make competitors step up the features of their phones in order to compete. Competition benefits the consumer and Apple just woke up the competition with a resounding slap in the face.

Google Maps

Last week I became a fan of Google Maps on my mobile and Monday I became a big fan. I started working at a new client’s office in an area of DC I have never been, so last week I punched the address in Google Maps. It pulled up the map, as expected, but more importantly it displayed the Metro station near the address, which is what I was trying to determine in the first place. Today as I was sitting in the new office, which is very close to the under construction stadium for the Washington Nationals, I pulled up the map again hoping to find the address to a restaurant I was told was near. When I looked at the application I noticed it allowed me to search for businesses near an address. It still had the business address saved from last week so all I had to do was type restaurants and it listed about 8 that were near me.

Later in the week I needed to make reservations for our Brotherhood dinner at the Caucus Room on Saturday, so I started Google Maps and searched for the Caucus Room. It gave me the address and phone number, which was expected, but it also displayed the name Caucus Room when I called; something normally reserved for numbers in my phone book.