December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked Eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't Be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts Will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed To sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?!

Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people, people!!-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard the scream. I'm hearing Them right now… Ha Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Patty Lewis, Human

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from Her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has cancelled our Holiday Party and Is giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, with full pay! Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

As a friend I believe there are a few rules my friends need to be aware of. Friends don't let thier friends down, therefore friends don't…

• …let friends drink alone.
• …let friends drink from plastic bottles.
• …let friends shoot tequila after drinking a forty.
• …let friends take "Policy Breakers" home.
• …let friends drink Absinthe on an empty stomach.

Bobby Knight said discipline is doing what has to be done, when it has to be done, as well as it can be done, and doing it that way all the time. Seeing as he just tied North Carolina's Dean Smith as the all-time wins leader for college basketball I have to assume he knows something.

Doing what has to be done is a simple concept, but not so easy accomplish in real life. Eating right, studying instead of partying, working out consistently, and spending money wisely are all thing that should be done but don't always get done. Discipline is doing them. Next is doing it when is has to be done. In some cases that is now instead of next week, or 5am instead of never, or never instead of now. Discipline is "simply" a matter of doing it when it should be done. Doing it as well as it can be done. Again, not easy to do, at least all the time. This means no cutting corners. Discipline is doing it right the first time. Finally, doing it that way all the time. Do it, do it now, and do it right every time. No exceptions. Discipline is giving your all every time.

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

And the teacher said ?????????