New Rules for 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge idiot.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear “27 months.” “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for Pete’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”

To All Empoyees

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked Eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t Be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts Will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed To sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?!

Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people, people!!-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”

Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard the scream. I’m hearing Them right now… Ha Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Patty Lewis, Human

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from Her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has cancelled our Holiday Party and Is giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, with full pay! Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

Friends Don’t

As a friend I believe there are a few rules my friends need to be aware of. Friends don’t let thier friends down, therefore friends don’t…

  • …let friends drink alone.
  • …let friends drink from plastic bottles.
  • …let friends shoot tequila after drinking a forty.
  • …let friends take “Policy Breakers” home.
  • …let friends drink Absinthe on an empty stomach.

Discipline

Bobby Knight said discipline is doing what has to be done, when it has to be done, as well as it can be done, and doing it that way all the time. Seeing as he just tied North Carolina’s Dean Smith as the all-time wins leader for college basketball I have to assume he knows something.

Doing what has to be done is a simple concept, but not so easy accomplish in real life. Eating right, studying instead of partying, working out consistently, and spending money wisely are all thing that should be done but don’t always get done. Discipline is doing them. Next is doing it when is has to be done. In some cases that is now instead of next week, or 5am instead of never, or never instead of now. Discipline is “simply” a matter of doing it when it should be done. Doing it as well as it can be done. Again, not easy to do, at least all the time. This means no cutting corners. Discipline is doing it right the first time. Finally, doing it that way all the time. Do it, do it now, and do it right every time. No exceptions. Discipline is giving your all every time.

Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.”

“What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

And the teacher said ?????????