Analog & High Definition & Minutes

This week there were 3 significant technological developments. The first was the disconnection of most analog cellular signals. Basically the original cell phone has died. AT&T and Verizon, the big, and essentially only, two in the mobile game turned theirs off. Number 3, Sprint, never had an analog network.

The second comes from Japan. Toshiba has announced the end of the HD DVD and declared Sony’s Blu-Ray the winner. Hopefully this will allow Sony to stop focusing on the competition with Toshiba and start advancing the format.

The third is back in the mobile arena. AT&T, Verizon, and T-mobile, have announced unlimited minute plans for roughly $100. Sprint is expected to join the party, but some beleive their plan will be between $60-75 dollars. Hopefully this turns into a larger developement than I’m giving it credit for.

Weapon of Mass Destruction

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this as a ‘short’ story for his alumni newsletter.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directio ns said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it dumbass,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the sidedoor, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, stupid, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#… That hurt l ike **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Tomorrow I head to Atlanta for the world’s largest cheerleading competition, CheerSport. It should be fun.

Lent & Luke’s Back

Lent started a few days ago and I decided I would give up alcohol. I did it a few years ago and it wasn’t too bad. The most amusing reactions come from friends that are used to ordering a round when we go out to eat, but now I have to remind them I’m sitting out. One of them half jokingly said next time I need to consult them before making a major decision like that. There a few events during lent that would normally be a party, but will be low key this year; trips to Atlanta, Vancouver, and Orlando, plus St. Patrick’s Day.

During Lent we’ll probably have a lot of Fish and Chip Friday lunches so I’ll be ranking them as we try out different restaurants. Sine on Pentagon City Row was first so its obviously in the lead. Their plate had 2 large pieces of fish, fries, and coleslaw, all of which was pretty good. I’ll write more once we try out some more places so I have something to compare it to.

Luke got his groove back today. I got mine back about 2 months ago. I’ll just say life is better this way.

Autism Speaks

The band, Five for Fighting, is generously donating $0.49 to Autism Speaks each time this video is viewed. The funding goes toward research studies to help find a cure. When you have a moment, please visit the link below to watch the video and pass it along. They are aiming for 10,000 hits, but hopefully we can help them to surpass this goal.

http://www.whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com/videos/view/id/408214