Congratulations

A friend, co-worker, and former roommate popped the question recently. Of course she said yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it. I’ll let him tell the story.

The Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest ask, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?!

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was ! it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I’ll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I’m sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What’d you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads……..

Does Reality Matter?

My question is how much does reality matter? I ask on a few levels, but first let me tell a story. A few years ago I took a trip to NY with a few friends, 8 of us in total. One night 4 of us, 2 guys and 2 girls, sat in my room and talked over a few drinks. We all wound up sleeping in the 2 beds in my room. When I got back home my girlfreind was insisting I had hooked up with the person I slept next to. (How she found out about it prior to me making it home is a story for another day). It was the beginning of the continuous fight that became our end. This is one example of the reality of me not cheating on my girl didn’t matter because she beleived I did.

Another example is clinical drug trials. There are often instances where the group taking the placebo reports having their condition improve in the same manner as the group taking the experimental drug. Their belief in the drug enabled them to improve when the reality was the drug didn’t do anything for them. In other words, reality did not matter. Some aspects of dreams come to mind. I’ve had many dreams that were so realistic they influenced my actions in the real world. How many other scenarios does this apply to?

Terminology

SALAD DODGER – An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY – A deeply unattractive person.
TESTICULATING – Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING – Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.
ASSMOSIS – The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM – An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SITCOMs – Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.
SINBAD – Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
AEROPLANE BLONDE – One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” – needless paperwork and processes.
GOING FOR A McSH1T – Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
404 – Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
AUSSIE KISS – Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
OH – NO SECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).
GREYHOUND – A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS – A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES – The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH – A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: “Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!”.
MYSTERY BUS – The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI – The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT – The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
BEER COMPASS – The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL – Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
TART FUEL – Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM – A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.

9 Words Women Use

9 Words (or Phrase) women use, especially when talking to men:

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five Minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

(8) Cool Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying… you know. The one that starts with ‘f’ and ends with ‘u’!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.