If Men Wrote Advice Columns

Q – My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A – Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q – My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A – Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q – My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A – This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q – My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A – Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q – My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A – You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q – My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A – I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

100%

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…
it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 — It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied’

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 — A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened h is trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 — A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 — The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said. The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 — A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 — A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk , ‘May I have 50 Christmas stamps?’ The clerk says, ‘What denomination?’ The blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? OK, Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

He never heard the shot….

Ski Resorts

Ski Resorts within an hour of an airport:

Aspen/Pitkin County Airport, Colo., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 10 minutes at Buttermilk. Aspen Highlands, Ajax and Snowmass are within a half-hour’s drive of the airport.

Burlington International Airport, Vt., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 30 minutes at Bolton Valley. Sugarbush, Stowe and Smugglers Notch are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

Reno-Tahoe International Airport, Nev., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 30 minutes at Mount Rose. Northstar, Squaw Valley and Alpine Meadows are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, Wash., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift at the Summit At Snoqualmie, Alpental, in 55 minutes. Stevens Pass and Crystal Mountain are within 55 minutes of the airport.

Salt Lake City International Airport, Utah, from which the magazine says you can be on the lift at Snowbird in 45 minutes. Brighton, Solitude, Park City and The Canyons are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

From Future Snowboarding Magazine.

Marvin Bower

┬áBusiness advice from Marvin Bower, McKinsey’s chief architect.

  1. Put the client’s interests first and separate yourself from the job.
  2. Be consistent yet open-minded.
  3. Center problem solving on the facts and on the front line.
  4. View problems and decisions in the context of the whole and in terms of the immediate actions to be taken.
  5. Inspire and require people to be their best.
  6. Communicate the values of the company over and over again to ensure that people in the firm will understand them, embrace them, and translate them into action.