Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 — It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied’

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 — A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened h is trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 — A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 — The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said. The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 — A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 — A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk , ‘May I have 50 Christmas stamps?’ The clerk says, ‘What denomination?’ The blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? OK, Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

He never heard the shot….

Ski Resorts

Ski Resorts within an hour of an airport:

Aspen/Pitkin County Airport, Colo., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 10 minutes at Buttermilk. Aspen Highlands, Ajax and Snowmass are within a half-hour’s drive of the airport.

Burlington International Airport, Vt., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 30 minutes at Bolton Valley. Sugarbush, Stowe and Smugglers Notch are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

Reno-Tahoe International Airport, Nev., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift in 30 minutes at Mount Rose. Northstar, Squaw Valley and Alpine Meadows are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, Wash., from which the magazine says you can be on the lift at the Summit At Snoqualmie, Alpental, in 55 minutes. Stevens Pass and Crystal Mountain are within 55 minutes of the airport.

Salt Lake City International Airport, Utah, from which the magazine says you can be on the lift at Snowbird in 45 minutes. Brighton, Solitude, Park City and The Canyons are within an hour’s drive of the airport.

From Future Snowboarding Magazine.

Marvin Bower

┬áBusiness advice from Marvin Bower, McKinsey’s chief architect.

  1. Put the client’s interests first and separate yourself from the job.
  2. Be consistent yet open-minded.
  3. Center problem solving on the facts and on the front line.
  4. View problems and decisions in the context of the whole and in terms of the immediate actions to be taken.
  5. Inspire and require people to be their best.
  6. Communicate the values of the company over and over again to ensure that people in the firm will understand them, embrace them, and translate them into action.

Over 30

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning … uphill BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yada…

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that…I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet.

If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’s usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids”.

Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!

And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire … imagine that!

If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!


The over 30 Crowd

Analog & High Definition & Minutes

This week there were 3 significant technological developments. The first was the disconnection of most analog cellular signals. Basically the original cell phone has died. AT&T and Verizon, the big, and essentially only, two in the mobile game turned theirs off. Number 3, Sprint, never had an analog network.

The second comes from Japan. Toshiba has announced the end of the HD DVD and declared Sony’s Blu-Ray the winner. Hopefully this will allow Sony to stop focusing on the competition with Toshiba and start advancing the format.

The third is back in the mobile arena. AT&T, Verizon, and T-mobile, have announced unlimited minute plans for roughly $100. Sprint is expected to join the party, but some beleive their plan will be between $60-75 dollars. Hopefully this turns into a larger developement than I’m giving it credit for.