Tag Archives: Work

Urine or You’re Out

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Another Email:

Like  most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. So, here is my Question:

Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for  them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ass doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you  imagine how much money each state would  save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I  guess we could title that program, ‘Urine or You’re Out’.

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic E-mail Replies:

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  1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
  2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
  3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
  4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)
  7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
  9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
  10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

To All Empoyees

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December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked Eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t Be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts Will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed To sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?!

Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people, people!!-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”

Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not; you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard the scream. I’m hearing Them right now… Ha Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Patty Lewis, Human

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from Her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has cancelled our Holiday Party and Is giving everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, with full pay! Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director