Tag Archives: Men

If Men Wrote Advice Columns

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Q – My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A – Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q – My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A – Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q – My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A – This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q – My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A – Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q – My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A – You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q – My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A – I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Only a Man

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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient “down there.” They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses ran back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried.

The husband said, “I’m not sure… maybe she choked.”

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

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The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
  2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
  4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
  7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
  10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
  11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
  12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
  13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
  14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
  15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.