Tag Archives: Email

Nice Guys

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I’m not sure who wrote this, but I found it amusing. NSFW.

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I’d take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven’t figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f****** treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an a****** than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

  1. Build a time machine.
  2. Go back a few years and pull your head out of your a**.
  3. Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve f***** yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bulls*** and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t f****** want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

Urine or You’re Out

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Another Email:

Like  most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. So, here is my Question:

Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for  them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ass doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you  imagine how much money each state would  save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I  guess we could title that program, ‘Urine or You’re Out’.

He Said, She Said

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Another email sent to me:

He said to me…….I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. I said to him……You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me…..Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said……That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me…..What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him……Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me………Why don’t women blink during foreplay? I said to him…..They don’t have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him…..We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me…..Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking? I said to him…..They already have boyfriends.

I said…..What do you call a woman who knows where  her husband is every night? He said….A widow.

He said to  me…….Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him……Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic E-mail Replies:

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  1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
  2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
  3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
  4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)
  7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
  8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
  9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
  10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.